^^^

i have a lot on my mind. but it's so full of thoughts that they all kind of cancel each other out so when i try to explain what i'm thinking, my mind becomes blank. as i sit here in my dark room staring at this vibrant screen of light that is probably ruining my eyes and killing my ability to shut off my mind and sleep, all i can think about is sleep. and dreaming i guess. do you ever wish you could control your dreams? sometimes i try to. and do you think dream interpretation is for real? and do you think people that are in your dreams are there for a reason? or is it just that our mind was subconsciously thinking about them? because i have dreams about people i've never met, and people i've barely met.

and still i'm thinking. thinking about this week. thinking about mountains.

oh what are men compared to rocks and mountains?

nothing it would seem. but things are never as they seem.

it has been a while since i've blabbed on here. i didn't feel as if i had anything worth saying. but this week is a fork and maybe if i try and de-tangle the web inside my mind on here, i will get the smallest amount of sense.

so i've been trying to figure out my life, which i have said before, yada yada yada...no one cares, ariel. but literally this week i have opportunities of seeing two completely opposite directions that my life could go. how cray banans is that? i'm not going to say what they are so all my followers (aka all like 1 of you with probably 100% being my family) STOP ASKING. because i don't know what i'm doing 4 SHORE. just test-driving. also, you already know.

but maybe this week i can move a mountain. or probably more like a hill, maybe just an ant hill. just so. even so. movement is movement and making a decision is the first step is it not? so this week, while on a test run for two different life paths, if i am so brave to have an inkling of which decision to do, i will begin to move my own mountain, cutting a new path of my own future. and if it turns out that it was the wrong one to try and move.... well hopefully it was a nice view while it lasted. and if not that either, then i'll have something to smile at while reading my journal 50 years from now.

ahh, the smell of adventure.

life is in session

life changes really fast. especially when you don't want it to. you know that quote, i don't know who it's by, but it says something like, "isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?"

i feel like life for my family has flipped a 180 four times over. not that it's a bad thing, it's just a thing. like lots of other things are just things. and that's the way it is and always will be. but change is a strange thing. it just happens and then suddenly you realize what all is happening and you begin to see that this is your life and everyday will be different and because of that, you are different, and the world is different, which means the people around you are different, or at least the way you see them because you have changed. and your life. and i think it's important to embrace change if that change is a good thing. but isn't it crazy how if you hit pause for just a moment, and look back one year ago, you see such an evolution. sometimes i try and put myself back a year ago to see if i ever would have predicted where i would be now, and i don't think i could have. i knew my life would be different, but not in this way. which makes me think, where will i be one year from now? or two? or ten or thirty-five and onto fifty? and where will the world be? and my family? and my dear little dog taking up half of my bed whilst snoring and twitching. but then you must hit play again; for life waits for no one. oh what a difference a year makes.

my baby sister is a senior in high school. my sister just older than that left for college, in hawaii. rough life. my sister just younger than me passed her one year wedding anniversary and has a runty dog that runs sideways, and my older sister has been married three years and has a rockstar husband. i am still floating in this vortex of life still deciding which new place to stop and settle for awhile. i don't know when all this happened.  

this post should probably be a new years post but why wait? "LIFE IS IN SESSION!" (bless if you know what that's from). besides, like mentioned in previous posts, i am a large percentage abnormal, so why wait for december 31 or january 1 when you can post here and now on september 22 at 1 something in the morning? plus, if i waited until the end of the year, think of all those months of waited anticipation for such nonsensicality (word?) when i could post this now and gift many more absurd and useless brain waves to the internet that enter my head beginning september 22 at 2 something in the morning. it's a public service, really.

so although i have no idea where me or my family will be one year from today, i have some hopes. i hope each day i will be a little more brave, a little more kind, a little less selfish. i hope my family, through all our difficulties, will cling to each other, i hope the world has a little more happiness.

so embrace change, because exciting things are happening.