i've posted this before and took it down. but up she goes again. i'm not sure why.
i've been thinking.
i've been coming to a crossroads in my life in whether or not i should choose the smoothest course, steady as the beating drum. thankfully, i don't have to make a decision on marrying kocoum because let's be real, i can't be expected to make all these kinds of decisions at once cause, you know, i mean, that would be too much.
how do you know? how do you ever really know to-be-sure-without-a-doubt-100%-full-on-positive what you should do with your life, in the case that one decision is not better than the other? if multiple things are all good, which do you pick? i know it requires a lot of prayer and faith, but it has been made known to me that you never really know what is right, until you make a decision.
i decided not to take the smoothest course. i decided to see what the dream giver has for me and i am taking the road less traveled by. and i am choosing everything. i cannot possibly comprehend what 'everything' is but maybe it's just an infinite.
for seventeen years of my life i was a ballerina. and oh i love(d) it so. every moment of every day was consumed by the thought of ballet and performing (except for during calculus because i don't have einstein's brain capacity, although we do share the same birthday. so that's information). and what a dream it was when that passion became my career. i consider myself extremely lucky and fortunate to have been able to do what i love for a living. and during college? seriously lucky. but it came to a point when i thought about who i was, i only knew myself as a dancer. i only fit into that tiny category in this big big world and i couldn't bear the thought of one day dying and never knowing the other sides of me.
so i made a choice to no longer stay where i was at. and it was the hardest thing i've ever done. i began to see myself as one of those number paintings, you know, where each section has a number and that number goes with a certain color. i was a giant painting where only the red had been filled in. i am a dancer, and i always will be. i am going to keep dancing, but not at the expense of not filling in other colors.
so what are the other colors?
buckle up, here's where my brain is going to get a bit crazy. so... everybody grows up imagining what they're going to be when they "grow up." whatever that is. people spend years training to be one thing, such as i did. world class chefs, doctors, painters, architects, dancers, musicians, actors, lawyers and generally, for the remainder of their life, they are known as such. everybody finds their way into a category in this world but what i don't understand is why we define ourselves by such.
it's like the world is a control freak. the world is obsessed with being organized and even those of us who don't think we are organized, are, because we try so hard to get into our desired category that gives us that sense of homeostasis. and i'm not just talking about professions, we classify ourselves according to a zillion different things like personality types or looks or whatever. and really what's the point? so we can look at the world and give ourselves a giant thumbs up saying, "congratulations! you're all sorted!"
?
i mean, i understand that it's nice to know where you fit so you can find people with whom you relate, but other than that, it just seems like a way to compare ourselves to other people.
what if i don't want to be known as one thing? what if i want to be a doctor who knows how to dance and acts on the side, can play the cello and my sisters' weddings, writes books on the weekends, spends every other month traveling the world, and devotes an entire day once per week to binge watching grey's anatomy without being hygienically acceptable? and what if i find that i love training horses or grooming dogs or gardening or baking or i am unexpectedly good, or more likely terrible, at talking to complete strangers and i never know? i want to be multiple things, and good at those things. i don't want to be sucky in a jillion things; i want to work hard and constantly be improving on whatever i decide to do. if i am any of the things listed above, i want to be the best in it as i can be.
but then i think, why does the world need to know everything about me? shouldn't it be enough to wholly know myself? it should be, so maybe it's ok if the world only knows one side of me, because at least i know more? if there is more.
i don't want to be one thing in this world. and if i have to be classified, i want it to be within myself so that i may know everything about me and who i am. i don't want to fit into one idealized category. unclassifiable. i want to keep that part of me that i know so well alive and close to my heart, but it's time i get to know the other areas as becomingly as i know the dancer side.
so i guess, get ready, self.
