the abyss

huffpost.com

so, this post might be kind of deep.  but as i said before, i'm different and think about strange things at strange times. sometimes i feel like i have so much to say that words are spilling out of my brain uncontrollably. like drool..... when you're sleeping. my blog is probably starting to look like a john green shrine but what else is about it?? so this quote got me thinking, which is probably the point of strings of words such as this. i'm not hurting right now but i, along with everyone else that has and will ever live, have felt pain.

i'm not sure i even want to write about this because i don't want to seem disappointed in my life or anything, but if this quote is trying to say anything, it's that pain is real and there is no point of trying to make it go away or pretend like it never happened. it did, so let's move on.

about three years ago, i broke. i felt like everything had cracked and that one more poke would make me shatter completely. my body was literally shaking and i couldn't breathe and i felt like my mind couldn't comprehend what was going on. for weeks, my mind couldn't focus on anything except what had happened. i was angry and confused and hurt and to be honest, felt completely ridiculous for feeling that way. why was i letting one thing affect me so profoundly? so i faked like i was fine, but i was not at all fine. unless you use the italian job's definition (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional). so there i was, going about my daily business, trying not to think, pretending it didn't matter, but thinking about it even more since i was trying not to think. which is insane because if something is taking that big of a percentage of your brain power, IT OBVIOUSLY MATTERS. it took me a long time to move past it, almost a year i think. but even now when i look back on that, i feel a little silly because that part in my life doesn't have any value to me in the sense that it has the power to hurt me again. which doesn't mean that wasn't real and that it didn't matter. it was very real and that time matters to me immensely because it forced me to become more. it forced me to glue together all those cracked pieces and i'm not talking about the cheap elmer's glue that doesn't really work so well. i'm talking like e6000 tough or jet glue that you use to make those pointe shoes hard as a rock, for at least a few more rehearsals, tough. now i'm no hulk but i think i am pretty darn strong (in the metaphorical way of course, i haven't exercised in some time so i'm afraid all my muscles have gone a bit soft). stronger than i was before, and i feel like i learned loads of valuable lessons that i couldn't have gained any other way.

basically, i believe that we are not given trials that we can't handle. God knows us and our potential and He helps us get through whatever comes our way, even when it seems insane and unbearable. it hurts and that sucks but pain is real and the only way we can learn from it, is to accept it, feel it, and let ourselves grow from it. and if i look at it that way, i'll be "on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend."

see what i did there?
r.i.p. gus

weird

sometimes i think i am a really weird person. like i'll be doing something or say something and be completely weirded out. i think about all these weird things and i have all these weird things that i do but then i think, i can't possibly be the only one like this? or maybe i am. whatever. but weird is phenomenal. weird is being so comfortable with yourself that you break out of society's comfort zone. so why wouldn't i want to be strange? weird people are the ones that experience great things because they aren't as afraid. so by all means, BRING ON THE WEIRDNESS. actually don't. because i think that the real definition of "weird" is to work so hard to make other people think that you aren't weird. and in that sense, i do not want to be weird. i just want to be myself, but a larger, more full version. one that is oozing out of every pore with life. i want to be obese in myself. how's that for imagery?

when i was little, i had a show that i would put on for my family. the "mr. weirdo show." it started out with trying to make a paper doll and my pen wouldn't work or something so i got really frustrated and just scribbled all over to make the ink come. that resulted in some kind of creature with one small ear and one big ear with all sorts of random pen marks made of hot pink cardstock paper and given the name, mr. weirdo. also, the scissors i used to cut him out were a bit dull so he never had a smooth figure. not that anybody has a smooth figure in real life anyway. so, i used to put on a play with him, my stuffed bunny (creatively named Bunny) and whatever other animals and dolls we had around the house. they were fantastic shows, probably brought down the house. may have been a little odd, but who cares?


be you, be true.

pc slowrobot.com

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p.c. unknown

journal entry

this is a written-out thought-process post.

an essay.

which is what blogging really is if you take a second and think about it. a collection of FREELY WILLINGLY written essays done at such times as this (this being ten o'clock on a sunday evening) without the panic of a due date in the coming morning. unless you get paid to blog. which i don't. but some people do. and that is an odd thing to me. people get paid to write little essays or journal entries about their life and the topics are totally no-brainer because your life is something you don't have to research or cite your sources on.

hopefully.

just relived moments of your life, displayed in a lovely-written way posted on the WWW for any jack and jill to see. it is an odd occupation. some people are great at it and lucky to have it be their job. i myself love a good blog read. because if you really do think about it, we are curious beings and we LOVE to know about other people's lives. why else would there be so many celebrity gossip tv shows and magazines out there? sure, most of them are a waste of time and no one really cares if this celebrity went to this beach and wore this outfit (heaven forbid) more than once.

but it sucks us in.

and IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, aren't tv shows/movies/books the exact same thing? perhaps the characters are fictitious but we read and watch because we want to know about these other lives. i have this theory that people have this yearning to live as many lives as possible. i do anyway. my dream is to live a hundred different lives and remember everything about each one. it is far less embarrassing to get caught up in fiction stories than real people. you can't be considered a stalker if the person doesn't really exist. it's like a loophole in life. a way of living x number of lives in the time limit of one life. pretty brilliant.

which leads to the start of this whole collision of thoughts. i just read a book, which zillions of other people have read, i'm sure. paper towns. john green. and i just can't stop thinking about it. so really, i just am writing so i can keep thinking without just sitting and staring. but i think i figured out why people love his writing so much. when i was buying the book, the cashier and i were talking about how much we loved his work, and in paraphrase she said to me, he makes you feel things you don't want to feel. that's how you know you haven't wasted your time, when you've felt something you didn't think you would.

how true is that? we hate and love to feel things. we hate to feel devastation and heartache and loss but we choose to read, watch and honestly experience it. we love happiness and love and peace, and again choose to experience it. we are so complicated.

so paper towns. i'm not going to be THAT PERSON that spoils the book in the rare chance that this blog entry comes up when "paper towns" is googled. i made this blog for a school assignment and even when i google my name, it doesn't come up. the only ariel wright that the internet knows is a track runner at brown university, who as much as i wish it was, is not me. so i estimate the probability of google finding this is 0.07%. i will say that the book did not end how i thought it would, which is real life. life is never what you think it is going to be and thank heaven for that. what a far less interesting life that would be. what i got out of the book is that the end is not what really matters, but how you get there and everything you learn along the way. i mean, isn't that God's plan? to come to earth and learn and experience and grow and of course we want to end up back with Him, that is so important, but we are here to succeed, make mistakes and be brave enough to just have faith and live. and i think even if someone isn't religious, they feel the same way. anyway, i felt as if this book is kind of where i'm at right now. there is a quote in there that i love saying, "it's so hard to leave, until you leave. then its the easiest [*] thing in the world." i think that can relate to a lot of things, not just physically packing up and moving someplace else, but moving on in a different direction in your life. and it's terrifying to do it. recently i have left a few things in my life and it was the hardest, most freeing thing i have ever done. but now my life is open to endless possibilities. ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

*side note, paper towns is being made into a move coming out in 2015, so if any casting director happens to come upon this post, take note that i would love to be a part of it. (re-insert section containing probability of this post showing up at all)

my thoughts are getting all frayed out again. i should change the name of this blog from "bits of this and that" to "bits of unresolved and irrelevant thoughts"

read the book. there are crass moments, but it is very thought provoking.

tschüss!

kidisms

i teach the ctr4 class in my ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. it is my most favorite calling. i love sharing time and singing time and head-shoulders-knees-and toes to get wiggles out, but most of all i love the cute things they say every week. i also teach little kids at jacqueline's school of ballet, and even though we don't have singing time while doing ballet, they still say the darndest things. here are some:


"i just like my brothers and sisters but i hate to play with them." (starts crying)

me: "h, will you come hold this picture for me?"
h: "no i don't like to help anyone."
me: gives picture to someone else to hold.
h: (starts crying) "i never get a turn to hold the picture."

"hey [h], my mom said we can't wrestle in church today."

 (looking at a closed door on the other side of the room) "teacher, is that where they keep the chickens?"

s: "do you have a husband?"
me: "no."
s: "why not?"
me: "because i haven't met the right person yet."
s: "all you have to do is go pick someone."
-_-

r: "do you have a boyfriend yet?"
me: "nope, not yet."
r: "like seriously? even i have a boyfriend." (age 9)

"teacher, are you 100?"

l stars crying. s sees l crying. s and l are best friends. s starts crying because l is. now everyone cries because everyone else is crying.

me: "we have to hold our rotators reeeeally tight so they can get strong, so i want you to pretend you have a diamond in between your bum cheeks. don't drop it or it will break. ok?"
k: "like a diamond in the rough?"
me: "yes, exactly"
k: "how about we hold aladdin in our bum cheeks instead?"

(during sharing time) "teacher, look at my spiderman underwear!"

(during a barre exercise) "we are farmers, bum ba dum bum bum bum bum!..... i'm so beautiful."

hmm.