a quick sec

i'm missing a lot of things right now.

i'm missing my sisters. it's just me here now. and my dog.

my littlest is on a mission as of 6 days ago. 6 out of 547.

approximately.

the next oldest is in hawaii.

the next in her own home.

the same with the oldest.

and i am here. in district 13.

missing days of dressing up for halloween and trick-or-treating.

missing bunheads, tights and blistered feet.

missing spelling tests.

and naivety.

missing days where i didn't know how to drive and my parents would drive me everywhere.

missing days of not having anxiety about life and turning 26 and insurance and bills and school and everything.

and i'm actually procrastinating. i have a test i should be studying for and some readings that need to be read and eventually some sleep that needs to be slept (<< ha! in my dreams).

but i just need a quick sec to miss.

belle

my favorite kinds of things are the ones that make my soul want to explode. the kind where you can literally feel your soul pushing up against your skin aching to get out because the feelings these things give you are much bigger than a body can contain.

it's like when you are eating so much food, so much that it makes you want to cry, but you don't stop because you would rather be fat than give up the taste. so you keep eating and the tears are threatening. so it is with the best of things. but it's okay to let the tears come because maybe that's how your soul can express best without exploding.

have you ever felt that way?

the feeling of a need to keep feeling it even though sometimes it makes you cry and you can't even talk because you just need to feel and think. kind of like when you finish a book and your whole world has changed because of it but you feel strange because every thing around you is the same. where you begin to question yourself and are able to dive down further into your thoughts.

?

ahhh. i know what i am trying to say but i can't quite get it out. i wish i could pull a little bit of this feeling out of me and copy and paste it onto here. so that if ever i, or you, should forget about such beauty and need to find it again, it will always be here.

music. movement. art. film. words. perhaps romance as well but i have not experienced such an intensity with that yet.

i wish my soul was always on the brink of exploding.

yet again my life is about to change, i haven't quite figured out this whole thing of what i'm supposed to do in life and some days i think i never will. but i do know i want more of this feeling. i want to make moments like this in a world that can be so cruel, moments that remind people of all that life is and can be.