the abyss

huffpost.com

so, this post might be kind of deep.  but as i said before, i'm different and think about strange things at strange times. sometimes i feel like i have so much to say that words are spilling out of my brain uncontrollably. like drool..... when you're sleeping. my blog is probably starting to look like a john green shrine but what else is about it?? so this quote got me thinking, which is probably the point of strings of words such as this. i'm not hurting right now but i, along with everyone else that has and will ever live, have felt pain.

i'm not sure i even want to write about this because i don't want to seem disappointed in my life or anything, but if this quote is trying to say anything, it's that pain is real and there is no point of trying to make it go away or pretend like it never happened. it did, so let's move on.

about three years ago, i broke. i felt like everything had cracked and that one more poke would make me shatter completely. my body was literally shaking and i couldn't breathe and i felt like my mind couldn't comprehend what was going on. for weeks, my mind couldn't focus on anything except what had happened. i was angry and confused and hurt and to be honest, felt completely ridiculous for feeling that way. why was i letting one thing affect me so profoundly? so i faked like i was fine, but i was not at all fine. unless you use the italian job's definition (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional). so there i was, going about my daily business, trying not to think, pretending it didn't matter, but thinking about it even more since i was trying not to think. which is insane because if something is taking that big of a percentage of your brain power, IT OBVIOUSLY MATTERS. it took me a long time to move past it, almost a year i think. but even now when i look back on that, i feel a little silly because that part in my life doesn't have any value to me in the sense that it has the power to hurt me again. which doesn't mean that wasn't real and that it didn't matter. it was very real and that time matters to me immensely because it forced me to become more. it forced me to glue together all those cracked pieces and i'm not talking about the cheap elmer's glue that doesn't really work so well. i'm talking like e6000 tough or jet glue that you use to make those pointe shoes hard as a rock, for at least a few more rehearsals, tough. now i'm no hulk but i think i am pretty darn strong (in the metaphorical way of course, i haven't exercised in some time so i'm afraid all my muscles have gone a bit soft). stronger than i was before, and i feel like i learned loads of valuable lessons that i couldn't have gained any other way.

basically, i believe that we are not given trials that we can't handle. God knows us and our potential and He helps us get through whatever comes our way, even when it seems insane and unbearable. it hurts and that sucks but pain is real and the only way we can learn from it, is to accept it, feel it, and let ourselves grow from it. and if i look at it that way, i'll be "on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend."

see what i did there?
r.i.p. gus