sunday.

you know what's great? people. even when they suck. because sometimes they do. and sometimes situations suck. and then you think you're going to go crazy so then you cut off all your hair.

but generally, i think people intend to do good. and be good. and want more kindness in the world.
even when it sucks.

sometimes i forget this. i have a book written by R.J. Palacio who wrote Wonder, which is phenomenal. but this book is called 365 Days of Wonder and is inspired and accompanies the previously mentioned novel. it's a book of precepts to live by. and it helps me to remember.

many of them are on kindness. today's (march 26) is

be kind whenever possible.
it is always possible.
-Dalai Lama

but i looked ahead for tomorrow, and that one is

as soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

and i just think that life would be a lot simpler if these things were not forgotten so often. that we remembered--that i remembered. it would make things seem not so bad, because for the most part, they aren't as bad as we often might think. there are much worse things in the world than what i am dealing with.

even so, some things are still hard, but if you (i) trust your(my)self, i think things will be fine.

always remember to be kind.

for kindness begets kindness evermore.
-Sophocles
february 28

kidisms part 2

last week i was released from my primary calling in church. i had been in that calling for about 7 years and it kind of broke my heart when i learned i wouldn't be with the littles anymore. but you can't stay in the same place forever.

these are some of the last funny things i heard the tiny humans say while i was in primary.


"i have ten coins and one dollar. that makes 11 monies." -N

"i would buy special things that Jesus wants me to buy." -P
"what kinds of things are those?"
"pictures of him." -P

"do you know why i wear tights? because i don't want to show my underwear at church." -N

"i like to eat the oranges because i hate drinking blood." -N

"i'm really good at farmer dancing." -K

"we're all gonna die." -D (repeated over and over)

"i reeeeaaallly hope there aren't drugs in there." -N (looking at the box of crayons)

"i help my neighbor." -B
"how?"
"like if they need to put dirt and grow a flower." -B

"mouses give us cheese." -J

"i already killed a bad guy." -S

"i made a roll." -P (meaning i'm on a roll)

"i don't really like to color but i do like grass." -N

a quick sec

i'm missing a lot of things right now.

i'm missing my sisters. it's just me here now. and my dog.

my littlest is on a mission as of 6 days ago. 6 out of 547.

approximately.

the next oldest is in hawaii.

the next in her own home.

the same with the oldest.

and i am here. in district 13.

missing days of dressing up for halloween and trick-or-treating.

missing bunheads, tights and blistered feet.

missing spelling tests.

and naivety.

missing days where i didn't know how to drive and my parents would drive me everywhere.

missing days of not having anxiety about life and turning 26 and insurance and bills and school and everything.

and i'm actually procrastinating. i have a test i should be studying for and some readings that need to be read and eventually some sleep that needs to be slept (<< ha! in my dreams).

but i just need a quick sec to miss.

belle

my favorite kinds of things are the ones that make my soul want to explode. the kind where you can literally feel your soul pushing up against your skin aching to get out because the feelings these things give you are much bigger than a body can contain.

it's like when you are eating so much food, so much that it makes you want to cry, but you don't stop because you would rather be fat than give up the taste. so you keep eating and the tears are threatening. so it is with the best of things. but it's okay to let the tears come because maybe that's how your soul can express best without exploding.

have you ever felt that way?

the feeling of a need to keep feeling it even though sometimes it makes you cry and you can't even talk because you just need to feel and think. kind of like when you finish a book and your whole world has changed because of it but you feel strange because every thing around you is the same. where you begin to question yourself and are able to dive down further into your thoughts.

?

ahhh. i know what i am trying to say but i can't quite get it out. i wish i could pull a little bit of this feeling out of me and copy and paste it onto here. so that if ever i, or you, should forget about such beauty and need to find it again, it will always be here.

music. movement. art. film. words. perhaps romance as well but i have not experienced such an intensity with that yet.

i wish my soul was always on the brink of exploding.

yet again my life is about to change, i haven't quite figured out this whole thing of what i'm supposed to do in life and some days i think i never will. but i do know i want more of this feeling. i want to make moments like this in a world that can be so cruel, moments that remind people of all that life is and can be.

?

why do we do it? this endless torment of pain and suffering. all of it being self-inflicted.

it's us. over and over and over again. history teaches us nothing. we never learn. how the heavens must look down on us with such sorrow and disappointment. i do and i am here, in one tiny part of the world, unable to first-handedly see the effects of the world's rage, but confused and agonized about how to make it better.

every bit of the news is filled with terrors, but i am sure you already knew that. 

maybe the problem is that we don't see ourselves as we. the world tries to divide itself up so that the blame does not hit us directly, but can be pushed aside to another sub group. maybe we can't face the fact that we are the only group. and why do we lash out at each other? whether it be as grand as attacks on paris or as small as hurting one's feelings. perhaps there is a void in all of our lives that our concious is unaware of. but how wrong are we to think that any form of hurt will be able to fill it.

"darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
-martin luther king jr. 

i believe that the world is filled with so many people so that we may be able to see the light when everything can get dark. we have families because at least one point in our lives, we will inevitably be hurt by someone or something, but the most luxurious thing life offers, is those people who will always be there for us, blood related or not.

why do we forget?

quite possibly it is naive of me to dream of a utopian society but i hope it is not foolish of me to wish it anyway.

however brutal the world is, with deaths and stealings and liars and cheats and every other form of cruelty, i hope to see the world as the place it was meant to be: beautiful with endless possibilities. i hope that we don't ruin such magnificence for ourselves, because if we do, it will only be us we are hurting.

presence of absence

i spent my evening looking at the super blood moon. and as i was looking at it, i couldn't help but feel small. not small in the sense that i am not important, but small in the sense that some things are so much bigger. 

the last time this kind of eclipse happened was in 1982 and won't happen again until 2033, but even so, hardly anyone in my neighborhood was watching it. i guess some people aren't into it, which is fine, but what a shame for them. and then there are people who come take one photo on their phone and go back inside. 

here is the thing about taking photos like that. are you really going to look at it again? really look at it? no. because it was one second of your life. one second that has no thought. but the picture itself is not important anyway.

i was sitting there staring at this gorgeous moon and people were not out there seeing it. the moon doesn't matter. the experience of being present and sitting and thinking and being mesmerized by something so simplistically beautiful that humans put no effort in to achieve is what matters. 

how often it is that i pass moments like this by. moments in which i can realize that a lot of things i stress about or over-think, DO NOT MATTER because the world is beautiful and i need only have the eyes to see it.

sometimes my eyes are blind. and a lot of times my eyes are presently absent. 

i also thought, some things do in fact not matter in the grandeur scheme of things, but they do matter in the scheme of this moment. more often than not, i worry about plans, and how my plans never work, and how my original plans didn't include the almost-always event of never turning out how i planned, but i still try.

time always goes on, whether or not there is a plan. things will continue to happen even if they happen 18 years apart like this moon. 

maybe there are people out there staring at this same moon who feel the same way, and maybe there aren't. but isn't that nice to think about? 

all from one evening with the moon.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/kerismith/1815099426/in/photostream